I designed a better lightsaber than J.J. Abrams while I was in line for coffee this morning

Today I finally realized why there are so many Star Wars fanboys: there's a lot of shady pseudoscience behind everything in the Star Wars universe, and it's pretty fun to argue about. Today's preeminent fanboy argument is over the crazy new lightsaber in the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer. In the darkest vignette from the trailer, we're shown a cloaked figure who stumbles down a snowy slope in a dark forest. The figure reaches the bottom, enters a defensive stance, and whips out a lightsab...