14 Things You Will Say To Your Kids A Million Goddamn Times

I have three kids. They don't fucking listen. One day, God as my witness, they will listen. They will stop, turn around, not talk for five seconds, and say to me, "Wow, I never thought of it that way before. Thanks, Dad!" I swear it will happen. I will destroy entire countries if I have to make it so. But until then, every last bit of handy, fatherly wisdom I have to impart on these people goes right down a fucking black hole. It's nothing but CAN I HAVE A TWIZZLER?! in response to anything I sa...