Would you row across the Atlantic with someone like me? I certainly wouldn't | Adrian Chiles

If you were risking your life in the middle of the ocean, you'd want your shipmate to be a cheerful problem-solver. That's me out of the running Here are three of my favourite uses of figures of speech to describe the competence of footballers. Actually, there's four, but one is too rude. Oh, to hell with it, I'll share it anyway. It came from a caller on a post-match local radio phone-in and concerned a goalkeeper in an alarmingly lousy run of form. "He couldn't keep a clean sheet on his honeym...